Infinitygirl Daily - Meet Hanna

Hi,

So here I am again, it’s midnight where I am at, and that just makes more room for thinking, and overthinking things. Though, I always do that anyways, I just realized. What I want to say, at the moment, is… that I want to be loved. I know, I know, this is one of the most used sentences in the world of teenagers, but it’s true.

I think that this is why my self confidence sometimes land on zeroo, and why I always feel like I’m not enough. If someone had just once said they wanted me - that doesn’t count if they’re drunk or stoned - I guess things would have been different. Because, I don’t think I am an ugly girl, none of us are, no one ever will be. We’re all beautiful. But to the point; I am the kind of girl that makes out with a guy on a party, then spend a week sulking over the fact that he asked for my number and never texted or called. Even though I’m aware of that he was drunk, I still do it. I wish he’d meant it when he said he’d call me, or that giving him my number wasn’t for nothing. 

This has happened to me three times now, and I’m getting tired of it. I only make out with guys on parties, and guys always seem to friendzone me. Does anyone feel the same about this crap? I’m sick of it, anyways, of always being the girl watching her friends texting guys or meeting up with the guy they made out with on that party last weekend. It feels like crap. Yuck. 

So, yeah, I don’t know if I even had a point in all this, but I got it out of my head, and I’m kind of hoping someone can relate. Relating is awesome, support is awesome, people a sometimes AWESOME.

So, goodnight world. Tomorrow’s a new day and all that… 

(Source: infinitygirldaily)

Okay, so here I am again spilling my thoughts to whoever wishes to know them. 

I’m not sure, but I think I’m becoming someone else in a way. Someone I like more than who I used to be. There are nights where I wish I could remember the way I used to be, or who I am today. But then again, I don’t know myself like others do. If they say I’m charming I doubt that person for eternity and more. People tell me they think I have the biggest self-confidence, that I always smile and never let it drop. But that’s the part where I think I know/knew myself more than the outsiders. 

I don’t loathe who I am, I don’t look at my self and se someone ultra-fat or ugly. But I do not see someone beautiful, I don’t see those long legs that people keep on telling me I have, I don’t like the gap between my teeth and oh I wish I could lose some pounds. 

Thing here is, that I think that if this wore a few years ago I would have done nothing to change it. I would stand in front of the mirror and face reality believing there was nothing I could do. 

Today I do crunches three nights a week before I go to bed, go out jogging without really planning on doing it in the first place. I do not eat candy - how the hell did I get to that?! I used to be the one who hated sports, didn’t sacrifice the biggest pleasures and so on. 

Still here I am doing the opposite of what I would have a year ago. To be honest, that makes me damn proud of myself! Today I wore a tight T-shirt istead of a puffy one, and even though I felt horrible all day, I DID IT. 

I think that you have to create some kind of power to be able to wanna change your flaws. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

(Source: infinitygirldaily)

Good-day. I stayed upp all nigh reading City of Glass, which is enthralling to say the least. I love it! 

I’m thinking right now, with a cup of tea in my hand and natural almonds that might be out of date… anyways. 

I’m thinking in the future, my future, I need to write a book. I hope you’re interested in what it would be about, because here goes:

I’d write about a normal family. Two girls, a mother and a father. Life isn’t bad at all from start. The children gets a childhood worth reliving a thousand times, going abroad, camping, adventures and loving parents. But I’d also write about the cancer that hits the father when the girls are at the age of starting school. And I’d write about the divorce that followed, about the four years the family spent roaming the place where they belonged, without knowing they belonged together and nowhere else. 

There was the mother whom the father had divorced after being well from the cancer. Maybe he wanted to taste freedom again, live it like he’d always wanted to? Because by now, he sure knew that each day could be your last. You never knew what could happen. 

There was the clash of feelings four years after the divorce. Love in its return and a torn apart family that struggled to be whole again. They knew it would take a lot, but the struggle would be worth the outcome. 

Only, somehow the story doesn’t end happy at that point. The girls won’t have a couple of wonderful teenage years, at least not the older. The year she’s about to turn 14, death strikes her again. This time, she’s left knowing that the boy she once knew for loving her is now dead. And the pain of knowing you didn’t say it back, is worse than anything. She had her chance at it years before, but gave it up and they parted as friends. Now he was gone, and she was left. 

I could probably continue the story, with the depression that followed the accident of her friend. Maybe the way I have never felt so horrible in my whole life. I hurt myself, I pushed the people who loved me away - still do. 

With destruction comes scars. That’s the simple truth. I know it, I’ve lived it, I have the scars to prove it. 

What is next ahead, I’ll take on with a smile. Because I broke through at some point. And I would do it a thousand times over. 

(Source: infinitygirldaily)

So, hi! 

I’m just checking in and posting this to remind myself in the future.

I have decided to challenge myself. Because no matter how normal I look, and how much I party and stuff, I am a total book nerd. Believe it or not.

Sookie Stackhouse is one of my favourites of all times, so is Clarissa in The Mortal Instruments. Vampire Academy has also been one of my best friends during boring summer trips to the middle of nowhere. So yeah, a fantasy booknerd! I am not ashamed though. I think it makes people smarter to read! ;)

So yeah, here goes:

1. Re-read the Sookie Stackhouse Series this spring, because they deserve your re-reading.
2. Read the Mortal Intruments Series and The Infernal Devies, because I can’t remember which book I was reading of the Mortal Instruments, and I started on the Infernal Devices.
3. Read a new kind of book, because you are stuck up in fantasy books. (If anyone has a tip, it’s more than welcome!)

Okay, it’s been a while I guess. I’m doing fine, to be honest. There are no wonderful, or ah I dunno’s here. I’m on easter break and I have spent this past day doing nothing but hanging out with my best friend. We haven’t known each other for that long, or yeah we have, but we became best friends about six months ago. 

Before, I thought I had had best friends. The ones you don’t give a shit how you look without make up, or what that ugly bruise lookes like close up. But no, this is the top. She’s the first friend I have ever been able to be completely honest with, who understands me because we’re practically the same. It’s awesome, you know. 

Now this is starting to sound like a love letter, and maybe it is. A best friend one, in that case. Last night we recorded ourselves dancing to “Drive By” and goofed around like crazy. And then we fell asleep with our make up on andnot giving anything for what people would think when they saw this movie. 

This blog has become my place of comfortness, where I spill my thoughts to others who have the time to care. And it feels good not having any friends knowing about it, meaning I can be honest. So this is my little place between reality and sleep. Welcome. 

This is what I’ve been doing all day. Eating, sitting in my bed watching True Blood & Gossip Girl, obsessing with my phone. Hey, carpe diem right? I have a thousand things I should do, that I’m pretty sure I won’t do. Kisses people. 

(Source: infinitygirldaily)